The Z Gang Get Jobs
by MrTennek
Summary: The entire Z Gang are forced to finally get some actual jobs. This proves harder than imagined.


DBZ - The Z Gang Get Jobs

Narrator - Well, it finally happened! After years and years of putting up with their lazy,  
jobless husbands, the wives of the Z Gang decided that it was due time that their husbands get jobs! So now, we join the Z Gang while they sit in the unemployment office, waiting to be interviewed...

Goku - (singing to himself) My baloney has a first name, it's G-O-K-U, my baloney has a second name, it's G-O-K-U...

Vegeta - (thinking) God, I wish he would shut up about his damned baloney!

Krillin - (thinking) What is taking so long for the interviews to start-- ooh, magazines!

Piccolo - (walks into the room looking angry)

Goku - ...has a tenth name, it's-- oh hey Piccolo! So you got dragged into this too, eh!

Piccolo - (angrily) Yep!

Vegeta - Wait a second! Who forced you into getting a job! You don't have a wife!

Piccolo - (sighs loudly) Gohan forced me into this! (looks at Goku) Thanks a lot Goku!

Goku - You're welcome, Pickanose!

Piccolo - I SWEAR TO GOD, IF YOU CALL ME THAT ONE MORE TIME--

Man - Alright! Who in here is Mr...uh...Goatpoo!

Goku - Uh, the names Goku!

Man - Oh! I'm really sorry! This handwriting is really hard to read!

Krillin - That's okay! Goku only has a kindergarten education, so he can't write very well!

Man - I see! Alright then, Mr. Goku, please come with me so we can start your interview.

Goku - What interview!

Man - (sighs)

(Goku's interview)

Man - Alright Mr. Goku, I just need to ask you a few simple questions.

Goku - Where am I again! The carnival!

Man - (sighs) First question: What is your IQ?

Goku - Uh...

Man - (staring at him)

Goku - ...

Man - (still staring at him)

Goku - ...baloney!

Man - (confused) Okay...I'll just put down 'ZERO'.

Goku - Does that mean I'm a good boy!

Man - (looks at Goku awkwardly) Yes...it...does...Uh, second question: how old are you?

Goku - You never ask a woman her age!

Man - But you're a...uh...I'll just put down 25.

Goku - (strained face)

Man - Okay, third question-- ugh! What the heck is that smell!

Goku - It--it wasn't me!

Man - (plugs his nose) (thinking) Christ almighty that stinks! (talking) Alright, third question: What is your gender?

Goku - It's five inches long!

Man - Wha--no! What is you 'gender'!

Goku - You don't ask a woman that!

Man - Forget it! I'll just put down 'male'. Question four: your place of birth?

Goku - Do you have any baloney!

Man - I'll put down 'earth'. Question five: what is your best skill?

Goku - Singing songs about baloney! Oh, and taking huge ones!

Man - (looks violently ill) Okay...Question five: your weakest skill?

Goku - Thinking! Talking! Writing! Reading! Math! Talking! Reading! Thinking!--

Man - I'll just put down that you're an idiot!

Goku - You never ask a woman that!

Man - ...question six: do you have a criminal record?

Goku - Silly man! They're called CD's now! Not records!

Man - I'll just put down a question mark. Alright; now a computer will tell you what your job will be!

Computer - Information has been processed! The perfect job for Mr. Goku is...a porno star!

Goku - A what!

Man - Uh...this has never happened before! But...the computer never lies...

Goku - Yay! My first job!

Man - And probably his last! Alright, you may leave now!

Goku - (runs out screaming insanely)

Man - That...was...strange.

(the waiting room)

Goku - (runs in screaming like a madman) I'M A PORNO STAR! (runs out of the room insanely)

Vegeta - What in God's name--

Man - Mr. Vegeta, you're next!

Vegeta - Great! (walks into the room)

Krillin - So...Piccolo...are you a transvestite!

Piccolo - (just stares at Krillin) Don't talk to me.

(Vegeta's Interview)

Vegeta - Alright, let's get this interview over as quick as possible!

Man - Alright. Question one: what is your IQ?

Vegeta - What the hell is an IQ!

Man - It is basically how smart you are.

Vegeta - Oh! Then put down...uh...500!

Man - Okay...Second question: how old are you?

Vegeta - Would you like to live!

Man - Yes...

Vegeta - Then go to the next question!

Man - Uh...yes sir! Third question: what is your gender?

Vegeta - (looks at the man awkwardly) WHAT THE HELL YOU THINK!

Man - Uh...man!

Vegeta - (sarcastically) Yowza! Ya think!

Man - Uh, fourth question: your place of birth?

Vegeta - Planet Vegeta.

Man - Wha--oh, never mind! Question five: your best skill?

Vegeta - Killing people who annoy me!

Man - (nervously) Okey dokey! Question six: your weakest skill?

Vegeta - Not killing people!

Man - Last question: do you have a criminal-- oh never mind, I can figure out that one on my own! Now, the computer will tell you your job!

Computer - Information has been processed. The perfect job for Mr. Vegeta is.  
a Mc'Donalds employee!

(the waiting room)

Krillin - (reading a magazine silently)

Piccolo - (meditating)

(huge explosion)

Man - (his smouldering body flies through the wall and lands on the floor right next to krillin)

Krillin - I take it that the interview didn't go very well!

Man - (still smouldering) Nope!

Vegeta - Work at Mc'Donald's my ASS! (walks out)

Krillin - Is it my turn now!

Man - (smouldering) CALL 911 YOU FING IDIOT! I'M REALLY HURT!

Krillin - Okay! But before I do that, can you give me and Piccolo's jobs!

Man - (smouldering) Fine! Just go fill in the information on the computer and it will tell you your perfect job!

Krillin - SWEET! (runs into room)

Man - WAIT!

Piccolo - (follows Krillin)

Man - My supervisor told me that I would have days like this-- but this-- this is just ridiculous!

(ten minutes later)

Krillin - So Piccolo, what's your 'perfect job'!

Piccolo - (angrily) A car salesman! What about you!

Krillin - (sighs) I'm supposed to be a Kentucky Fried Chicken employee!

Piccolo - (tries not to laugh) Well...that's not that bad!

Krillin - Oh, shut up!

(at Goku's job)

Goku - (walks into porno studio) Hello? Is there anybody here!

Man - Oh! Hello big boy! Wanna have a good time!--

Director - Screw off Jimmy!

Man - If you say so Bob! (walks away)

Goku - (drooling) Mmmmm...baloney...

Director - Uh...sir!

Goku - (drooling) Baloneylicious...

Director - (slaps Goku three times) SIR!

Goku - Uh, what!

Director - You must be Mr. Goku; we've been expecting you!

Goku - Really! Are you a psychic!

Director - Um, no! I'm the famous porno director, James Fatf!

Goku - Boy! That's...some name!

Director - Why thank you! Anyways, you must be our new porno star!

Goku - What's a porno! Some kind of baloney!

Director - Let's just cut to the chase; take your clothes off sir!

Goku - Wha-- my mommy always told me to 'never' take my clothes off in front of other people!

Director - Well you can take them off here! We're in a very special place!

Goku - Oh, okay! (takes his clothes off)

Director - H--holy sh! What the hell is that--

Goku - I have Gonorhhea!

Director - Uh...okay...that's really disgusting...uh...wait! I just got an idea! You can be in my new movie, which will be called...'GONORHHEA GOKU'!

Goku - Does that mean I'm being sued!

Director - You really are a moron, you know that!

Goku - You never ask a woman that!

Director - God almighty...anyhow! Let's get started filming! Ladies!

(woman #1 and woman #2 walk in...NAKED!)

Goku - HOLY MACKAREL! THOSE ARE SOME HUGE...LAMPS YOU'VE GOT!

(everyone falls over)

Goku - Huh! What did I say!

Director - Alright then! Goku, do your thing!

Goku - Do my thing! What thing!

Director - You know! Do them!

Goku - Do what!

Director - Screw em!

Goku - Don't I need a hammer for that!

Director - For the love of God; haven't you ever had sex!

Goku - Yep! But I can't remember how it's done!

Director - Well...it's easy! You just stick your weiner into them!

Goku - My weiner!

Director - WHATEVER YOU CALL IT!

Goku - Oh, you mean my 'baloney'!

Director - You call your c, 'baloney'!

Goku - Oooh, speaking of baloney, I'm getting hungry!

Director - You can eat as soon as you finish--

Goku - (runs out of the studio buck naked screaming) BALONEY!

Director - That...

Woman #1 - ...was...

Woman #2 - ...strange.

(at Vegeta's job)

Supervisor (SV from now on) - Alrighty then Mr. Vegeta, there are a few things you need to learn before you can work for Mc'Donalds!

Vegeta - Like what; don't spit on the food!

SV - No, you can do that!

Vegeta - Really!

SV - Yep! Now anyway, first of all, when your making food, always make sure that it's done,  
and if it isn't, always remember to give it to the rude customers!

Vegeta - Okay.

SV - Secondly, if you drop something on the floor, only give it to the elderly, because they probably won't notice that it's crusted with filth!

Vegeta - Yep.

SV - And third, never, and I mean never, use meat from the big red bin in the back of the room!

Vegeta - Why not?

SV - All of the meat in there is expired baloney that's fifty years old! One slice could kill ten men!

Vegeta - Why the hell would you keep a large bin full of rancid, petrified baloney in the back of the room!

SV - It's an old Mc'Donalds tradition!

Vegeta - I see! Alright, is that all?

SV - Yep! Now go serve some customers! (walks off)

Vegeta - Sure will! (under his breath) You dumbass.

Old Man - Um, excuse me sir?

Vegeta - Yeah, what would you like to order from Mc'Donalds!

Old Man - Well, I'll have the cheeseburger combo! Oh, and without the pickles or onions!

Vegeta - Right away! (under his breath) You geezer. (walks into kitchen, picks up a patty,  
drops it on the floor, stomps on it, throws it into the garbage, picks it out, and put's it on a bun with dirty old rotten cheese) All done! (walks out to old man)  
Alright sir, here is your cheeseburger!

Old Man - Thank you very much!

Vegeta - That comes to $1.50.

Old Man - (gives the money) Here you go!

Vegeta - Thank you for ordering from...oh whatever!

Old Man - (walks outside, bites into the burger, suddenly falls to the ground screaming,  
then dies from food poisoning)

SV - Good work Vegeta! You remembered your training!

Vegeta - Thank you, sir! (under his breath) You dhead!

Goku - (runs into Mc'Donalds with no pants on) Vegeta! I'm starving, give me something quick!

Vegeta - GOD ALMIGHTY KAKAROT, WHY AREN'T YOU WEARING ANY CLOTHES!

Goku - Just give me something to eat already!

Vegeta - Like what!

Goku - Anything!

Vegeta - Fine! Here, have some fries and a burger!

Goku - Thanks a lot Vegeta!

Vegeta - That'll be-- oh forget it! It's free!

Goku - Hey, thanks! I owe you one!

Vegeta - Just get out of here and put some damned pants on! (goes back into the kitchen)

Goku - Sure thing! (eats the burger and the fries) Yummy! Aw man, I'm still hungry!  
(looks into the kitchen) Oh well, I'm sure they wouldn't mind if I took some food out of the kitchen! (walks into the kitchen) (sees the big red bin in the back)  
Wow! A big bin full of baloney! (reaches into the bin and pulls out a handfull of rancid baloney and eats it) Mmmmmm...free baloney...Hmm, tastes a little different.  
a bit tangy...and a bit sour...oh well! (reaches in and keeps eating the baloney)

Vegeta - (walks into the kitchen and sees Goku eating the rancid baloney) KAKAROT!

Goku - Huh! Oh hi Vegeta! You should really try this baloney! It's Deeeeeelicious!

Vegeta - Kakarot! That baloney is fifty years old!

Goku - Wha--

Vegeta - It's petrified, diseased and rancid!

Goku - (stomach starts grumbling) Oh...Jesus H Christ! AHHHH! (runs out of Mc'Donalds screaming like a madman)

Vegeta - Even Kakarot didn't deserve something like that!

SV - What's going on Vegeta! I thought that I heard screaming!

Vegeta - Some moron just ate fifty pounds of rancid baloney from that bin!

SV - GOOD GOD!

(meanwhile, goku...)

Goku - (running down a street screaming) MY STOMACH! (falls down convulsing)  
Rancid...baloney...attack! RAUGHH!

Man - Are you okay--

Goku - (baloney starts flying out of his mouth) GAUUGHH!

Man - Holy Christ! (runs ofF)

Goku - (convulsing) Someone...kill...me!

(at Krillins job)

Man - Alright then Mr. Krillin, before you can work at KFC, you'll need to meet the Kernel!

Krillin - Don't you mean Colonel!

Man - No! Never, ever call the Kernel 'Colonel'! His name is Kernel Kentucky!

Krillin - Okay...

Man - Just follow me.

Krillin - (walks into a room where a man with a big white beard is sitting in a chair)

Kernel - I say-- I say-- I say is this the new employee--ee--ee!

Man - This is Mr. Krillin, KFC's brand new employee!

Kernel - So-- so-- --so ya think ya can handle-le-le working at K-K-KFC-- C-- C!

Krillin - I can't understand a word that you're--

Kernel - Let-- let-- let me tell you a-- a-- a story about how I st-- st-- started this compan-- y-- y-- y!

Krillin - This...is going to take a while.

(meanwhile, Goku...)

Goku - (running down a road, screaming and buck naked) SOMEONE HELP ME! I'M DYING!  
(falls down again puking baloney out) Damn...this rancid meat...DAMN IT TO HELL!

(a car stops with two old women in it)

OW #1 - Can we help you?

OW #2 - He looks very sick...and naked!

Goku - (stands up babbling insanely at the women) Baloney...gurhgh...fughds...KILL ME!  
(starts spewing baloney all over their car)

OW #1 + #2 - AHHHHH! (drive off)

Goku - God almighty!

(back at Krillins job)

Kernel - ...and-- and-- and that's the story-- y-- y of how I st-- st-- started this great com-- com-- company!

Krillin - (snoring)

Man - (pokes Krillin) (whispers) WAKE UP!

Krillin - (suddenly wakes up) HUH, WHAT!

Kernel - Con-- con-- congradulations Krillin, you a-- a-- are now an em-- em-- employee at K-- K-- KFC!

Krillin - I don't know whether to be happy or depressed...

Man - Here's your uniform. (gives Krillin his uniform)

Kernel - A-- a-- and before you st-- st-- start working, I'm g-- g-- gonna tell you a big s-- s-- secret! Our f-- f-- food isn't made fr-- fr-- from chicken! It's made fr-- fr-- from...DOG! (laughs insanely and falls out of his chair)

Krillen + Man - (staring at the Kernel)

(meanwhile, Goku...)

Goku - Ugh...(runs up to a house and knocks on the door) Come on, COME ON!

Woman - (from inside the house) Who's at the door honey?

Man - (from inside the house) It's a naked man covered in vomit and baloney! (opens the door) Uh...what can I do for you sir?

Goku - Can I use your toilet!

Man - Wh--what!

Goku - I--I have food poisoning; I ate rancid baloney; CAN I USE YOUR TOILET!

Man - No! Absolutely not! (slams the door in Goku's face)

Goku - WHY IS EVERYONE SO RUDE IN THIS TOWN!

(at Piccolo's job)

Piccolo - (unenthusiastically) Hello sir, would you be interested in buying a car?

Man - No, ahole, so screw off!

Piccolo - THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD IT!

Boss - Calm down Piccolo! Everyone runs into a few bad customers.

Piccolo - A FEW! Every single customer has been a prick today!

Boss - Well, I'm sure that someone will come along! (leaves)

Piccolo - (sees a man walk by) Hello sir, would you be interested in--

Man - NO, SO SCREW OFF YOU FREAK!

Piccolo - (face turns red) Someone will come along MY ASS!

(at Vegeta's job)

Vegeta - (making burgers) This is so damned boring--

TV - ...a madman with no pants on covered with vomit and baloney has been seen running down 114th avenue just minutes ago. Police are now looking for him, so if you see him,  
please inform the police! In other news, Kernel Kentucky died today from a massive heartattack while interviewing a man named Kri--

Vegeta - God almighty, that's Kakarot they're talking about!

SV - That guy's still alive! Wow, that's something!

(phone rings)

SV - Could you answer that for me?

Vegeta - Fine! (picks up the phone) Hello?

Piccolo - Oh, thank God I got a hold of you Vegeta!

Vegeta - Piccolo! Why are you calling me; I'm really busy right now!

Piccolo - Well it's good to know that you're busy, cause I haven't had one customer all day!

Vegeta - Did you just call me for sympathy, because if that's the case, screw off--

Piccolo - Oh, wait! I just got a customer! See ya-- (hangs up)

Vegeta - (hangs up) That man is truly pathetic.

(at Piccolo's job)

Piccolo - Hello sir! Are you interested in buying a car today?

Man - I sure am! What do you have to offer!

Piccolo - Well, we got just about everything! What are you looking for?

Man - I'd like to buy a Volkswaggen!

Piccolo - You're just in luck! We just got a brand new shipment of them today!

Man - Great! Let me see them!

Piccolo - Sure thing! (walks over to the cars) This is the brand new Jetta! Only $27,000!

Man - Sounds great! I think I'll buy this one!

Piccolo - WONDERFUL! You'll just need to sign these papers--

Goku - (suddenly runs in screaming insanely)

Piccolo - What the--! Goku!

Goku - HELP MEEEEE! GAMNED BALONEY FROM HELL!

Man - Who...is that!

Piccolo - Uh...just ignore him and sign these papers!

Goku - RANCID...BALONEY...ATTTTAAAAACCCCKKKK! (vomits baloney all over the customer and starts to spew baloney all over the car)

Piccolo - FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GOKU!

Man - (runs off screaming)

Goku - (runs over to the car and takes a huge crap all over it) EEGEHEGHEHGH!

Piccolo - (face turns extremely red) Grrrrrrrrrrr...

Goku - (spews baloney all over the car and takes another huge crap) BALLOOOONNNEEEYYY!

Piccolo - (face turns even redder) GRRRRRRRR!

Goku - (finishes crapping and passes out)

Piccolo - YOU MORON, THAT WAS MY ONLY CUSTOMER AND YOU SCARED HIM AWAY; AND YOU JUST PUKED AND CRAPPED ALL OVER A BRAND NEW CAR!

(at Krillins job)

(paramedics are carring the Kernel away on a stretcher)

Man - I'm afraid that you'll have to come back for an interview some other time...

Krillin - Yeah...right...I'd rather eat dog!

Man - Have you ever eaten KFC?

Krillin - You've got a point there...(leaves)

(at a hospital)

Chichi - Tell me doctor...will my husbad...live?

Doctor - Your husband ate fifty pounds of fifty year old, rancid, diseased, petrified baloney! This amount of food poisoning would have killed a hundred elephants!  
But somehow...he managed to survive!

Krillin - That's our Goku!

Doctor - I just can't figure out how anyone could survive fifty pounds of rancid baloney!

Chichi - Oh, my Goku has eaten some pretty bad stuff before! Just last week, he ate ten pounds of horse dung that he thought was pudding!

Doctor - God almighty!

Piccolo - I wish that he was DEAD! He ruined my only sale!

Vegeta - Say Kakarot, you're not planning on suing Mc'Donalds are you! After all, it's the only place that I can work at!

Goku - They let me eat fifty year old, rancid, diseased, petrified baloney, and you don't expect me to sue them!

Vegeta - ...

Goku - OF COURSE I WON'T!

(everyone laughs insanely)

THE FLIPPING END!

(my hands are killing me!)

(this was actually somewhat based on a true story, where my uncle got food poisoning from eating rancid sandwich meat at a store)  
(the scene with the two old ladies in the car was also based on what happened to him when he stopped two old ladies in a car and they freaked out and drove off)  
(and finally, the scene where Goku knocked on the door of that house was also based on the same story where my uncle stopped at someones house and asked if he could use their toilet (the exact same dialogue except for the baloney part) ) 


End file.
